New, but sadder news

Alas, that there have to be such blog posts as this.

Life throws you curveballs sometimes. Pulls the rug out from under you.

All I wanted to know was is it pink or blue??? I have three healthy boys, have had three picture-perfect pregnancies, so the thought crossed my mind that of course, I just want a healthy baby, but why shouldn't I have one? I have such a great track record.

I knew immediately that it was all wrong. The baby was too small. And it was just laying there. Usually they start doing backflips when the ultrasound starts. It should have been moving. Its heart should have been moving. It wasn't. The ultrasound technition was saying things like “Let me just check some things,” and then “This isn’t what you expect at your 20 week ultrasound,” and finally “I’m sorry.” And I had to ask what I really already knew but didn’t want to face. “Are you saying that this is a miscarriage?” And she confirmed it and I clung to Jared’s hand and cried, and my heart ached over what we had lost.

That night was a very long and sleepless one. I was so sad, so confused. I spent many hours crying, thinking and pleading with the Lord for understanding.

Before the night was up, though, I had found some peace.
I thought the plan was for us to have a baby in December. I was wrong. That's all. I wasn't cheated, something didn't go terribly wrong. The Lord had a plan, and this was it. I don't have any idea why, I just know this is the way it was always supposed to be.

Don't get me wrong, I still sometimes have a terrible ache in my heart when I see baby things and pregnant women, I still feel a sense of loss and cry sometimes. And it has taken time to work out all my feelings. That's why it has also taken me two and a half weeks to get this blog post up.

The rug gets pulled out from under us, but we can still get back on our feet again. I have my three boys, and I have definitely gained a greater appreciation for them. I have my awesome husband, who is the love of my life. The world is beautiful and we are all part of a plan so much bigger than us all.

Really it kind of feels like a miracle, that my heart can heal, after being so broken. Like that song from Charlotte's Web: "It seems so exceptional that things just work out after all. It's just another ordinary miracle today."