New, but sadder news

Alas, that there have to be such blog posts as this.

Life throws you curveballs sometimes. Pulls the rug out from under you.

All I wanted to know was is it pink or blue??? I have three healthy boys, have had three picture-perfect pregnancies, so the thought crossed my mind that of course, I just want a healthy baby, but why shouldn't I have one? I have such a great track record.

I knew immediately that it was all wrong. The baby was too small. And it was just laying there. Usually they start doing backflips when the ultrasound starts. It should have been moving. Its heart should have been moving. It wasn't. The ultrasound technition was saying things like “Let me just check some things,” and then “This isn’t what you expect at your 20 week ultrasound,” and finally “I’m sorry.” And I had to ask what I really already knew but didn’t want to face. “Are you saying that this is a miscarriage?” And she confirmed it and I clung to Jared’s hand and cried, and my heart ached over what we had lost.

That night was a very long and sleepless one. I was so sad, so confused. I spent many hours crying, thinking and pleading with the Lord for understanding.

Before the night was up, though, I had found some peace.
I thought the plan was for us to have a baby in December. I was wrong. That's all. I wasn't cheated, something didn't go terribly wrong. The Lord had a plan, and this was it. I don't have any idea why, I just know this is the way it was always supposed to be.

Don't get me wrong, I still sometimes have a terrible ache in my heart when I see baby things and pregnant women, I still feel a sense of loss and cry sometimes. And it has taken time to work out all my feelings. That's why it has also taken me two and a half weeks to get this blog post up.

The rug gets pulled out from under us, but we can still get back on our feet again. I have my three boys, and I have definitely gained a greater appreciation for them. I have my awesome husband, who is the love of my life. The world is beautiful and we are all part of a plan so much bigger than us all.

Really it kind of feels like a miracle, that my heart can heal, after being so broken. Like that song from Charlotte's Web: "It seems so exceptional that things just work out after all. It's just another ordinary miracle today."

New things Happening

Finally, finally, only 2 years later than we planned, Jared got into Nursing school. Now there is an end in sight, and we are so excited!! Kind of nervous, too because we need to live for 2 years with no income.

In other news, I am pregnant! I'm due December 2nd, and we'll find out in a few weeks if we add yet another boy or a girl. We're sure it's a boy. We don't know how to make girls.

Dance Festival

The boys had a dance festival at school yesterday, which was rather cute. Jason did the chicken dance. The movie is probably boring to most people.


And Joey did the Chinese Hat Dance. Well . . . at least he thought that's what is was called . . . what do you think?

Oh how we hate shots!!

I really hate shots. I once passed out while having blood taken. I'm told that in my unconscious state I punched a nurse in the jaw.

So one of the dreaded doctor's appointments was coming up for the boys, and I knew it was going to suck for all of us. I thought it would be a good idea to warn Jason and Tyler that they would be getting shots. It probably was a good idea, but Tyler started crying immediately. I promised we’d go get a treat after. He insisted he did not want one, thinking, I’m sure, that he wouldn’t have to get the shots then. You know—if he eats his broccoli he gets dessert—but he can get out of eating the broccoli if he can live without the dessert. That’s the delusion he was under.

It was Jason’s kindergarten check up, so he had to have his finger poked to test his iron. So the nurse poked him and his poor finger is dripping blood—onto the nurse’s hand and the carpet. Then when she goes to put the band-aid on she does something weird and snaps it on and blood spatters across the carpet. I start to wonder how much blood has accumulated over the years on this carpet. You can’t tell because it’s dark greenish grey. It occurs to me that it would probably be a great setting for a murder since it’s already covered in blood.

The doctor checks them from head to toe, while listening patiently to Joey talking nonstop about all sorts of important stuff; loose teeth, the dangers of riding a bike, how well he can hop on one foot, etc. They are pronounced fit as a fiddle, and then the part that we have been waiting for is upon us.

Tyler starts crying when he sees the nurse coming with that little buffet tray of needles. I grab him and pull his pants down to reveal his thigh, and the nurse starts rubbing his leg with one of those alcohol wipes and he screams and whacks it out of her hand onto the floor. We’ve already discussed the cleanliness of the floor so she has to get a new one. The other nurse grabs the first shot and tries to pull the cover off, but before she can, Tyler grabs it, by now screaming like a psychopath. She has to wrestle it out of his hand, then we have to pin his arms and legs, but he gets all the immunizations he needs and somehow manages to survive. During all this Jason has completely lost his head, crying, running around the room, looking for a place to hide. Joey is standing with his hands over his ears. I feel like a huge jerk when I plop Tyler down beside me and grab Jason for his turn to be tortured. Taking his cues from Tyler he screams every bit as dramatically, but gets all his shots, and now they are protected from measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis and chicken pox. And when I tell the story it sounds funny, but I was crying the whole time. Doesn’t it suck to see your kids scared and in pain?!!
But actually, if I'm perfecty honest I'm a little glad that it was them and not me.
And the candy rack at Macey’s drove the whole bad experience from their minds.

Learning Letters

When I asked what they were doing Jason told me he was teaching Tyler his letters, which is really cute because Jason really only knew a few letters himself, and most of those were backwards or otherwise illegible.

Pinewood Derby

He had so much fun making this car and couldn't wait until race day. The first two races he almost won, but his friend Alex's car kept pulling in front at the last second. Then he dropped his car on the ground and broke a pretty important piece off, so the car was only racing on 3 wheels. So since Alex won third place, Joey thinks he won fourth. I don't know if that's true or not, but either way he's happy and had a great time, and was a good sport about it all.

Chess Heads

The boys have discovered chess. Since I knew nothing of strategy or rules or anything I started taking them to a chess club at the library. Joey has actually gotten pretty good at it. He has beat me twice and Jared once. For a long time he was just frustrated because he couldnt win any games (unless we let him) and I kept telling him that there will come a day that I won't be able to beat him anymore. He's got that detailed, analytical brain which makes a good chess player, and which I certainly lack. Jason's pretty good, too, but has been banned from playing recently for unsportmanlike conduct (throwing a tantrum when his queen got captured, and crying and refusing to play if he doesn't get to be white). It's ok, though, because he really likes playing by himself. He always wins.